You think your valentine’s weekend was bad? Let me make you feel better.

By 6 on Thursday, I was in such pain that it didn’t seem wise to wait until Friday to see the doctor. Following the nurse’s instructions, we did not pass go, did not stop at Quaint Local Hospital (who doc’s office is sure is perfectly competent but is not Magnificent Ginormous Hospital, and therefore can’t be trusted to know colitis from a heart attack). So we roadtripped to Boston.

The ED had been told to expect me, so we sailed through registration and triage. I sent Mr. Nemesis home around nine, having packed the essentials for an overnight. (Loaded e-reader, phone, charger, toothbrush, deodorant. But no hair brush, damn it. Still, not bad planning for someone who spent most of the day curled in the fetal position.) I was admitted and taken to a room around 11 where I proceeded to get no sleep because I was being constantly prodded, and I had enough blood drawn to feed Dracula. (Can they just draw from your IV? No, they cannot. Some tests require individual stabbings from multiple spots. I dunno, in case your left arm blood doesn’t match your right?)

Somewhere between arriving at the ED and midnight, the prednisone I took in the afternoon must have kicked in because the pain and worst of the nausea went away on their own.

Friday morning I was treated to the next step: a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. Guess what a last minute colonoscopy requires? Enemas!

TMMI COMING! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED! SKIP AHEAD IF YOU MUST.

Water enemas require you to lie on your right side for 15-20 minutes while your colon is blown up like a water ballon. You’ve had no sleep, no food, you’re nauseas, and now you’re being water boarded out the ass end. Then, when you can’t take it anymore, you’re allowed to dump the water, which seems like if should want to be dumped a lot more easily than it actually does. If you ever questionned whether our species was intelligently designed, this will answer that for you. Since I hadn’t eaten much in the last 48 hours, I was told I did pretty well at not cursing every living thing in the vicinity. Being given dilaudid and thus not giving too many fucks probably helped.

END TMMI.

Thankfully, the mix of the dilaudid I got with the enema along with the sedatives during the scopes meant I didn’t wake up gagging with a tube down my esophagus this time. On a related note though, I was completely spaced prior to the procedure. What is my birthday? Let me think… Lawyers, pay attention. Should something turn out to have been screwed up during the procedure, those consents I signed are totally invalidid.

Upshot from the scopes. My colon is normal. My upper intestine is inflamed, and that seems to be preventing food from leaving my stomach. Enter pain and nausea. While it can’t conclusively be said that the nivo is causing this, it’s the obvious culprit.

So I’m on IV steroids, an IV stomach acid reducer, occasional anti-nausea drugs, and the usual other drugs they have to give you to keep you alive on bed rest. I’m also on a liquid diet. Since Friday morning, all I’ve eaten is 8 oz of chicken broth and a couple spoonfuls of jello. Strangely (or not under the circumstances), I haven’t been hungry. For the record, however, I do not recommend this as a weight loss treatment.

Meanwhile, I wait for results from the biopies that were taken during my scopes, whether I’ll get better drugs, real food, and when I can leave. I really want to leave.

My roommate has a large, loud, rude family, and they are around constantly. Putting aside my introverted tendencies, they talk so loudly I can’t hear myself think, they talk about food in front of the patient with nausea, and they joke about not waking people up right next to me as I’m trying to sleep. Roommate asked this morning if they bothered me. And look, I’m not yet at the point where I’m going to freak out on an 80-year-old woman with diabetes, breathing issues, and possibly cancer. But I’m getting close. As for her grandchildren who brought food into the room though? I hope they experience the joy of having their colons turned into water balloons like the unintelligently designed shit sacks they are.

In fact, that might be the sole upshot from this mess. I have a new way cursing humanity. And believe me, I have much to curse.

So, feel better yet?

67 comments

  1. I laughed & laughed & laughed. Then I cried. Cuz this is fucking brutal. And I want to bitch slap your roommate’s family. I hope they can send you home soon.

  2. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very
    smartly written article. I’ll be sure to bookmark it and return to learn more of your useful information. Thanks for the
    post. I’ll definitely return.

  3. Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you
    have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News?

    I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
    Appreciate it

  4. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my
    4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear
    and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had
    to tell someone!

  5. Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to assert that I get actually enjoyed account your blog posts.
    Anyway I will be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently fast.

  6. Its like you learn my thoughts! You seem to know a lot about this, such as you
    wrote the book in it or something. I think that you just can do with
    a few p.c. to pressure the message house a bit, but instead
    of that, that is great blog. A great read. I will definitely be back.

  7. Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this site.
    It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s very hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appearance.
    I must say you’ve done a awesome job with this.
    Also, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Firefox.

    Superb Blog!

  8. Hi just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know
    a few of the pictures aren’t loading correctly.
    I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue.
    I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show the
    same results.

  9. My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was entirely right.
    This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much
    time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

  10. Link exchange is nothing else except it is simply
    placing the other person’s web site link on your page at proper
    place and other person will also do same in support of you.

  11. Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back often!|

  12. Wonderful goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just too wonderful. I actually like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you are stating and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it sensible. I can not wait to read far more from you. This is actually a great site.|

  13. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!|

  14. Hi, I do believe this is an excellent site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I’m going to revisit yet again since I bookmarked it. Money and freedom is the best way to change, may you be rich and continue to help others.|

  15. Aw, this was a very nice post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to create a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and never manage to get nearly anything done.|

  16. Spot on with this write-up, I seriously believe that this web site needs much more attention. I’ll probably be back again to read through more, thanks for the information!|

  17. Excellent web site you have here.. It’s difficult to find good quality writing like yours nowadays. I truly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!|

  18. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was wondering what all is required to get setup? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very web smart so I’m not 100% positive. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you|

  19. I’m amazed, I have to admit. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative and engaging, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is something not enough folks are speaking intelligently about. I’m very happy that I stumbled across this in my search for something relating to this.|

  20. Great beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your site, how can i subscribe for a blog site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear idea|

  21. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Many thanks!|

  22. Link exchange is nothing else but it is only placing the other person’s website link on your page at appropriate place and other person will also do same in favor of you.|

  23. Helpful information. Lucky me I discovered your web site unintentionally, and I am surprised why this accident did not took place in advance! I bookmarked it.|

  24. Wonderful beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a weblog web site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided vibrant transparent concept|

  25. Hiya very cool site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Superb .. I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds additionally? I am glad to seek out numerous helpful information here within the publish, we need work out more techniques in this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .|

  26. I like the valuable info you supply to your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and check again right here frequently. I’m somewhat sure I’ll learn many new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!|

  27. Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to no data backup. Do you have any methods to stop hackers?|

  28. Hello there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be ok. I’m undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.|

  29. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have truly loved surfing around your weblog posts. After all I will be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write once more very soon!|

  30. Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to mention that I’ve really loved surfing around your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing on your feed and I am hoping you write once more soon!|

  31. The other day, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!|

  32. An intriguing discussion is worth comment. I think that you need to write more on this subject matter, it might not be a taboo subject but typically folks don’t talk about these subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!|

  33. Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you, However I am experiencing problems with your RSS. I don’t know why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anybody having the same RSS issues? Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond? Thanks!!|

  34. Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with
    Search Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords
    but I’m not seeing very good results. If you know of any please share.
    Thanks!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.